Thursday, March 28, 2013

there is never an end, only eternal recovery. every day you are recovering from the monster that still lives within, who's grip simply no longer grasps so tight. the claws are always there in the shadows, waiting for you to falter. so every day, you take one small step, handle what you can, accept what you cannot and keep trying.

Posted at 02:35 pm by shaninsky

Monday, March 04, 2013
i saved my self by taking my old life

you know the thing is, i went to the hospital that morning to stop myself from committing suicide. i took the hard road because somewhere in the inner essence of my extremely logical and rational being, i knew that it was not death i truly yearned for. what was underlying my wants was a need for a break; a need for someone to finally know the pain i felt every day. i also needed my family. i had for so long lived inside my own mind that all my perceptions of reality were off. like when you stay in the ocean for too long and realize the waves have pushed you meters down from where your chair and towel are. and in the end, i did not take my own life, but the girl i used to be has died. i am not who i was, she will never ever be again. i am better, i am still learning and will not ever be perfect, but i am where i need to be. i am here in this moment, because of other moments and for future moments. but i am hear now in this one, and that is all that i need to be.
life is so freeing when you can put things into perspective in that way. you accept what is and even though it hurts and you feel every inch of those emotions. but, you also don't catastrophize situations as much because you do not worry for the future. what will be will be when it comes, and when it comes you will be who you will be in respect of that event. all things come and go, it is the natural working of the universe. you can miss those things and live in them for a few reminiscent minutes or even hours here and there, but never stray too far from this moment. this moment is what keeps you grounded, it keeps you living. it makes you you and makes you do the things that make you you. it's a funny thing but if you are constantly in the has been or will be, you don't really exist at all. except in strange waves and distant ebbs at 4 a.m. when the world is asleep and you become as you hit the peak of exhaustion. sleep? what is sleep?
"sleep is for the weak", he said. as we shared a three-person conversation on msn messenger.
"sleep is for bitches", he emphasized.

but i am here now, i exist. my flesh is my own and i stand here before you all, tangible.

Posted at 12:39 am by shaninsky

Friday, February 01, 2013

somewhere along the way i really lost who i was. i stopped doing the things that made me me and started doing the things that made me be who they wanted me to be. i was good at photography. i was good at it and i loved it. i was good at writing. i always read. i always played soccer. i lost myself along the way and now i am finally getting her back. even if everything doesn't end up happening, at least i tried.

Posted at 11:20 pm by shaninsky

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

i feel like i have spent my whole life pretending to be stronger than i am; acting like my skin was thick and that only sticks and stones could break my bones. fake it 'til you make it, right? i told myself over and over to take a deep breath and just be strong, like it was that easy. i told myself over and over how much of a failure i was too, because i was never strong and my skin is still not thick. words kill me and weakness is my starting foot. i have got everyone around me fooled, they tell me all the time how strong they think i am. i try to inspire others to have hope and see the light, glass half full and always moving forward. i lie to them the best i can so i can fill in as that person they need. but the truth is is i am a hollow shell, weak and empty. i have nothing real to offer, i have nothing true to give. all i have are the pathetic walls i have built and the fantasies i slur. i love so many people, i love so many lives. i see such potential and goodness in their futures, and i am so happy for each one of them when i hear of recent endeavours. everyone who ever touched my life has been a gift, good or bad being irrelevant. i wish everyone success and i smile for them. but inside of me, there is a constant war. and though i have made progress and other means of escape seem nearly thrown from my mind, it remains a struggle. one i must figure out on my own. and when that day comes, if it should be meant to happen that way, i will find peace and joy in the things that i have, have not and had. i am weak and constantly shattering, i am the lamb, the goat, the fly. but strength i have learned, is not necessarily a defining factor when it comes to living.

Posted at 06:18 pm by shaninsky

Friday, December 07, 2012

"oh shit i said hello to chris.
i always get high and say hello to chris."

Posted at 03:28 pm by shaninsky

Friday, May 18, 2012

i think today should be the day. no one actually cares. they all just pretend to so that when i kill myself they can just sya she was a troubled girl, there was no hope, we tried. well fuck all of you and your stupid formalities. you made this earth unbearable. constantly trying to mold me into what you wanted and constantly gtetting mad cause iw asnt being myself. im over it. im over staying alive ti make you happy. im happy living a life i havent wanted to live for over seven years now. im over wiating around for ppl to maybe realize i matter or more likely realize i suck an abandon me. im over being alive. im fed up. today is the day. finally, freedom.

Posted at 02:30 pm by shaninsky

Wednesday, May 16, 2012
ed entry

intake in the last 24h: water (0), muffin (260), water (0)
outake in the last 24h: soccer (432)

i feel like all the food in the world is staring me in the face and mocking me. all i want to do is cave and binge, but i know i will hate myself too much for it in the morning. because tomorrow evening i know i am going to have to consume, because he will be watching and i cannot make up excuses good enough. so i must make up for it by starving today. i literally put the cake to my lips, was about to cave, and i didn't do it. part of me is proud, but part of me feels like i am just letting the ed take a hold of me. and then another part of me feels comfort in that darkness' arms. i am going to chew and spit. that way i can settle this urge and maybe find some sleep. if not, at least the few calories i ingest from my salivary glands will keep me alive just long enough for another impossible day filled with impossible feats.

Posted at 02:45 am by shaninsky

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember
You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad it was over
But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and I feel so rough

No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
Part of me believing it was always something that I'd done
But I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know
But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and I feel so rough

And you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Posted at 12:58 pm by shaninsky

Saturday, May 12, 2012
fuck you

the most fucked up thing is that i told my therapist that part of my reasoning for not killing myself is my parents, yet by the same stroke, no one makes me want to cut, restrict and purge more than my mother and father.

Posted at 07:34 pm by shaninsky

Tuesday, May 08, 2012

i am going to have to stop smoking weed if i want to lose weight. but if i stop smoking weed, my anxiety goes off the charts. and when my anxiety is up, my capacity to function dissipates. and that always, always, always, without fail leads me back to my depression. but either way, if i don't stop being a fucking fat fuck, i am going to be just as depressed.

Posted at 11:10 am by shaninsky

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I've been through my fair share of rough times, but if there's one thing I have learned it's that turning things around is not the hard part, deciding you want to is.

"Betrayal is the only truth that sticks."
- Arthur Miller

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